Do you remember my post “Confessions” (you can read it HERE) about the idea that I’m not happy? Well, the thing is I don’t have enough things that make me happy. Mostly, it’s good marks at the university and some good leisure time. This leisure time typically consists of TV series, food and stuff like that. There are also things like traveling, music concerts, friends, dancing, reading, photography, singing and so on – but these good leisure time things aren’t always available or don’t always bring the necessary amount of happiness. Sometimes they can even make things worse.
I almost always have TV series to watch and tasty food to eat, so they provide good leisure time. But marks at the university aren’t always good. Sometimes they’re just OK, or even worse: bad. ;-( This is when the trouble begins. Being left with just a few of my “happiness-creators” makes me feel extremely sad and lost. But then the new day comes and I have good marks again.
But let me tell you something. I need more things that can make me happy. Or at least I need to have the same things that already make me happy to bring happiness to my life more often. And sometimes even good marks at the university can’t cheer me up. God knows why. So basically there are 2 main pictures in my life, both of which can make me extremely depressed.
There are some occasions when something really nice happens. But somehow, it doesn’t stay long enough or it quickly ends or something bad has to happen and ruin it... And that is the time when I feel down again. And that it is about 90% of my life, which is unbelievable!!!
This summer, there have been some good moments. I got a job as a hostess-administrator at the “4Rooms Restaurant”. I also got a budget place for my junior year (you already know about this one). And finally, I received my TOEFL iBT scores, which are really good and better than I expected. All these things are my “happy moments”. It means that I am a little bit happier right now than usual. But are there going to be any problems with these things, too? Sure!
In time, my job will become less and less interesting. The budget place will no longer bring happy emotions, because it will become something obvious. Eventually I will also want better scores on my TOEFL exam. I know it’s bad to say things like that, but it is the truth. I’m pretty sure this is the way how it is going to be sooner or later.
I still need to find more sources for happiness. All these happy things that I told you about are really nice and all, but the bigger picture is that bad things are still stronger. Bad things still win. They are the major power. And when I look back at my life it seems to me that I used to have more fun. Though, the truth is - I’m not so sure.
Maybe my character doesn’t allow me to focus on the happy things? Somehow it is way easier to concentrate on the negative. I don’t know why. Maybe the secret is in the ability to forget about the negative and concentrate on the positive? Maybe I’m asking for too much. Maybe this is all my fault that I’m not happy and destiny is my excuse? Maybe there are people with even worse lives who manage to be happier than I am? Maybe I’m complaining too much? Maybe I need to try harder in order to see my life from a different perspective. Am I complicating things? Am I the only one who’s creating a problematic life for myself? Am I my own enemy? Or is my destiny the one to blame? Is it so wrong to want a better life? Am I capable of creating that better life myself? Am I the only one who’s responsible for my life??? I’m still figuring all this stuff out…
But tell me one thing: is it too depressing to read my blog when I write about things like that?
P.S. if you have any ideas or answers to any of my questions – you’re very welcome!
D.C.
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