I think it's about time I wrote about something more personal than usually.
I am alive. I have a place where to live. I live with my Mother. We have enough money to pay the rent, buy food and clothes. I'm not ill, but I'm not perfectly healthy either. I look normal. I have friends. I have lots of interests. I never run out of things to do and I'm never bored with myself. Still. It's not good enough for me. I'm not happy. Not even near. I'm so far from happy that it hurts so bad! I consider myself to be an optimist, even if it's only deep within. With all my heart and soul I would like to be a believer. I still do believe that I have a better life ahead of me. I do believe that life is fair, even if it is naive from my point of view.
I am 21 years old. I haven't achieved anything special in my life. Sure, I do have some things I am proud of, but it's nothing comparing to what some of my acquaintances have achieved. Most of the time I feel insecure about myself. I know what I want from life and I know what I don't want. But at the same time I'm so lost. Sometimes it feels as if I don't know who I am. At all.
There are days when I feel so down that there is very little hope left. I have my dreams and with all my heart I believe that someday at least a part of them will come true. I have so many of them (and the list keeps growing) that it is almost impossible to think that all of them will come true. Still, it is worth living. Even if you have a life like mine. Some people have it worse. Some, on the other hand, have it better. I can't be the judge and decide what each and everyone of us deserves, but if I do speak about it... Well, let's just say I'm not satisfied.
And you know what? I keep waiting. For a miracle to happen. As if waiting ever helped someone. It doesn't change anything. Everything remains the same. I can go on talking about justice, fate, destiny, dreams and things that matter to me for hours... But what's the point? I'm a big talker. I'm always talking. Sometimes I also do things, but that's more like an exception. I prefer to write. That's the point. I just like it. It fulfills me. I just need to write. That's the way I am. I express my feelings on paper and I feel a lot better afterwards. Let's hope this time it will work as well.
Some people say that life is what you make it. Sure, there are things that 100% depend on what I do and how I act. But then there are also a lot of other things that I have no control over and things that I don't have ANY connection to. They just happen and it has nothing to do with me. Let's talk about the parts of my life that I can influence. Well, if I am a "maker" of my life at least at some degree, then I must say I am an awful doer of this job.
I am nowhere near where I want to be. I don't have a completely clear vision of who I really want to be, but I know for sure that one thing I want to be will not come easily. So my question is this: Will I ever be able to become a LIFE LOVER?
Love,
Daria
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